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Book review: Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll

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TifAni can’t wait to marry her cookie-cutter Perfect Boyfriend. So why is it that, in the very first scene of Luckiest Girl Alive she is fantasising about stabbing him with their carefully chosen designer wedding cutlery?

It could be because – whisper it – she can be a bit of a cow. In fact, there is lots that will irritate you about TiFani FaNelli. Her snobbery, which blends beautifully with her inverted snobbery; her snarky asides about perfectly nice people and not least her heartfelt belief that size 12 is fat. Even reading her name grates – did the caps lock button keep getting stuck when they made out her birth certificate?

But TiFani is not a heroine, she’s a person. Sometimes she’s a pain in the arse, other times she’s sweet, compassionate and funny – like many real people are. And it’s the compelling reality of the character that is making Jessica Knoll’s novel one of the big word-of-mouth hits of this year.

TiFani is not a heroine, she’s a person.

Back at High School TifAni made a few mistakes. She hung out with the wrong people, she got a crush on the wrong boy and set in motion a chain of events which affected the whole school and still haunt her 10 years on. The wedding has become her way of showing she’s moved on, that she is no longer TifAni but has reinvented herself as Ani Harrison – successful writer on a glossy magazine, wearer of designer clothes and WASP in training. But as Madonna could tell you, reinventions are rarely permanent and don’t really fool anyone. As the wedding gets closer she’s forced to confront what happen to her in the past, and things start to unravel…

Luckiest Girl Cover resizeSo chances are you won’t love TifAni. But you’ll sit up all night reading to find out what happened to her, whether she’ll get the wedding she deserves and who she decides to be in the end.

When I was a kid I loved Cinderella heroines. I loved the idea that if you were a good person and kept doing the right thing eventually someone would notice and give you a big sparkly tiara and a fancy title. And most of us have never fallen out of love with that idea (otherwise who would have bought Fifty Shades of Grey, ever?) But in the past few years there’s been a bit of an awakening. A desire for real three dimensional characters who we will love, warts, neuroses and all.

That’s how we ended up with Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck character, and Eliza Kennedy’s sexy debut novel I Take You which features yet another driven New York heroine trying to balance love with her unfortunate casual sex habit. Bluebirds do not alight on these women’s shoulders when they get dressed in the morning. They do not sing about how a dream is a wish your heart makes. But they take us to new, entertaining places where women are fully formed human beings with layered, complicated lives. And with women like that, you never know what will happen next.

Luckiest Girl Alive is out in hardback now

The importance of being tenacious

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Two years ago, when I set up this blog all bright eyed and full of enthusiasm, I wrote about the Arvon course I attended and how great it was to meet like-minded writers, discuss our characters, plot and story arcs etc. But while we were having all these lovely big chats there was one guy who ducked out of most of our sessions, who didn’t want to join in with our dialogue workshops and storyline exercises. You’d stumble on him tucked in one or other cosy corner of the beautiful Lumb Bank Centre, hunched over his laptop hammering the keys. “Can’t talk now, I’m writing…”

Unlike most of us he was near the end of his project and you could almost see the waves of determination coming off him. I wasn’t surprised to hear that he’d landed one of the top agents in the biz, that there had been a bidding war for his first manuscript. The guy was called James Law and last week I went to the launch of his first novel, Tenacity. The name really couldn’t have been more appropriate.

you could almost see the waves of determination coming off him

It’s a dark, claustrophobic crime novel set on a submarine – James spent years on subs, so there’s lots of naval detail. It follows the story of a lone female investigator trapped with a hostile all-male crew, one of whom might just be a killer…

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At Arvon James waxed lyrical about the addictive action of the Millennium trilogy. And while I’m not a fan of Stieg Larsson’s waffly prose and the graphic violence against women James has dodged both of those Larsson traits while piling on the tension, suspense and secrets. I’m only about half way through so I don’t know the end yet, but as Tenacity is the first in a series I’m guessing that naval investigator Danielle “Dan” Lewis makes it through.

Unsurprisingly, the wine flowed

The launch was fabulously nautical – at the Royal Navy Submarine Museum in Gosport. There were speeches, readings and a genuine vintage sub to explore. I went crazy taking close-up pictures of pipes, taps and dials – it was like some kind of steampunk nightmare, hard to imagine that dozens of sailors lived amidst all this for months at a time. And you know what? Even though it was decommissioned years ago it was still a bit whiffy. The crowd was an interesting mix of writers, journalists and James’ naval buddies. Unsurprisingly, the wine flowed.

I came away with a signed copy, which I hope will be the first in my collection of Arvon alumni publications. I also felt fired up for the first time in ages. James finished his book, which is achievement enough, but then he had enough confidence in it to shout about it and grab the publishing world’s attention. Instead of emailing his MS off into the abyss and crossing his fingers he created a military-style plan of attack with the clear objective of getting the publishing deal he wanted – and it worked.

This business is all about talent and hard work but without confidence it all just sits there mouldering away on your Dropbox.

Time to start shouting, I think.

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Do we still need magazines to run our love lives?

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Earlier this month US Glamour magazine had a Two Bags Of Sand moment. You remember the scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin when the guys are all sitting around with a takeaway talking about their sexual experiences and Steve Carell’s character says “yeah, her breasts were like, um, two bags of sand…”

It’s the moment everyone around the table realises that he’s faking it, that he has no idea what he’s talking about. And when Glamour’s website published it’s 13 little things that can make a man fall hard for you, including such gems as “make him a sandwich after sex” and “answer the door in a negligee” something similar happened. Everyone stopped eating their pizza and stared. The entire source of a magazine’s power lies in its ability to convince its readers, advertisers and critics that it knows best and for a moment that effortless glossy facade dropped to reveal the magazine’s inner workings – a legion of tiny tired journalists searching desperately for something new to say about sex and relationships.

As someone who worked for years on women’s magazines I read the whole thing through my fingers, cringing in horror and the mockery that followed was richly deserved. But then came the usual parade of accusations, that women’s magazines were dated and woefully out of touch. Several listicles appeared online poking fun at the sex tips magazines have  offered over the years (the one about ‘teasing’ your partner’s testicles with a fork was a particular humdinger). And the message – usually from online sources that like to consider themselves edgier than old fashioned paper – is that women’s magazines are dated and woefully out of touch.

We have found our clitoris and we’re not afraid to use it.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe women’s magazines should stop talking about sex altogether.

Back in the 1970s and 80s we needed that sort of thing. Without magazines, and the occasional surreptitious look at Judy Bloom’s Forever, the only self proclaimed experts on sex were men. And where did men get their sex tips? The glorious world of 70s porn.

Of course we live in much more liberated times now. In the post Sex & The City generation women know they can expect more in bed. We have found our clitoris and we’re not afraid to use it. And there is an endless range of sources for reliable sex tips out there.

Isn’t there?

There’s the sex toy companies. After all every self respecting girl has a Rampant Rabbit or two tucked away in her bedside drawer. Although obviously the sex toy companies have a bit of a vested interest in selling you sex toys.

Or there’s erotic literature… because 50 Shades Of Grey is a perfect how-to handbook of sexy but responsible BDSM play isn’t it? It isn’t? Oh.

Then there’s our mates – but then we’re back in two bags of sand territory. According to research by Rachel Hills the author of The Sex Myth we’re all lying about how much sex we have and how creative we are when we’re doing it. No reliable information there, then.

Of course when we want to know something these days we Google it. There are some fabulous female friendly sex sites out there providing full, frank and funny discussions about love and sex – Em and Lo and Nerve for instance. But without knowing where to look it’s hard to get started – Googling sex questions can bring up a terrifying selection of misleading, unhealthy or eye-burningly horrid search results.

Which brings us right back to the source of all sex-inspiration: porn. Since the 70s skin-flicks have morphed into a monstrous, ever present stream of hard core which many young men have come to think of as ‘normal sex’. A while back I had coffee with an agony aunt who said a huge proportion of mail in her inbox was from young women who were worried there was something wrong with them because they didn’t enjoy anal sex.

So maybe women’s magazines do have a role after all.

In the 70s and after, women’s mags taught us that it was OK to enjoy sex – that we weren’t wanton hussies for liking it on top, or asking for oral or wanting to be good at it (because pleasing your partner is a part of sex for men and women alike.) It paved the way for splendid Samantha in Sex & The City and a generation of witty and honest sex bloggers.

The features that did really well were the ones that rang funny and true

I came to women’s glossies in the early 2000s when things started to change. In The Sex Myth Rachel Hills talks about that feeling of inadequacy if you feel uncomfortable sexting or don’t like doggy style. The feeling that everyone else is having a better time than you. And it’s up to women’s mags to burst that bubble… But without making the sexting doggy-fans feel like they’re being slut-shamed somehow. Tricky, huh?
For us, the features that did really well were the ones that rang funny and true. Like the hilarious takedown one of our writers did of some of the crazier sex toys on the market. Or the horrible consequences of When dirty talk goes wrong (Quote: “I’m the drill baby, and you’re the road…”) Or the sweet and sad piece Brooke Magnati, aka Belle De Jour, wrote for us on When the sex is great but everything else sucks. They were conversation starters, got us thinking about what we really wanted and showed us that everyone makes mistakes.

That’s the kind of sex article that women’s mags do best – funny frank and reassuring. And there’s a lot of that out there. There are also campaigns for women’s rights, and  sharp, insightful reports on the things which threaten our relationships – like porn addiction.

There’s still a role for how-to tips too. I figure that sex tips are like magazine recipes – a source of ideas that you can take or leave. You might see a recipe for chicken soup, read it and appreciate it but never get round to making it. You could leave out the cream and pepper or just decide your own formula is best. And if you don’t like chicken at all? Not a problem, there’s a carrot and coriander number on the next page. The message is not “do this” but, “you might like to try this, and if it doesn’t work at least it’ll be a giggle.”

Whatever the magazines might claim, they’re not all knowing and all seeing. They can’t give you guaranteed moves when every body is so different and sometimes they do get it wrong. But they’re more realistic than 50 Shades, more reliable than your best mate and funnier than porn. Just one more source of advice and inspiration to help you make the most of your relationships. Take it or leave it.

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I’m baaaack…

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So, it’s been a while. In the past two years I’ve had a baby, got married, picked up some fun-but-demanding commissions and generally been up to my eyeballs to the extent that tending my needy website slid further and further down the list of priorities. I have not been on the ball. In fact I’ve been about as far away from the ball as you could possibly get – a strategy which worked very well for me in PE classes in the 1980s but doesn’t really do quite so well in the cut and thrust world of modern media.

Until one afternoon I realised to my mortification that people could still see this website and that, frankly, it was embarrassing. It still is a bit embarrassing (check out my cool graphic above) but I’m working on it. And even better I’m filling it with content by doing the thing I enjoy best – writing.

The thing about working part time is that on the days when you’re not working your brain floods with ideas but you never have the time to put them into practice. Well, no more. The whole point of freelancing is that you can use your imagination, pitch any idea anywhere. So you’ll be seeing a lot more of me here from now on. Lucky lucky you…

Writers need people too!

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Writing a novel is a solitary business, especially when you are unpublished and there is no agent or editor screaming for the manuscript; when you have no idea whether that genius plot twist you’re so proud of is actually agonisingly contrived and when there is no guarantee anyone will actually ever read this thing that you’re pouring your heart and soul into at every spare moment.

After a few years, and three drafts, my first novel had warped into something like an old magic-eye image. I’d stared at it so long I could see the outlines of the plot but not the original detail, or the point I was going for originally. Was each new draft making it better or was I actually making it worse? I couldn’t actually stand to look at it any more.

For years I thought to be a proper novelist you had to work in a secret garret somewhere…

Then I met Diana Bretherick, who won Good Housekeeping’s Novel Competition in 2012, and whose wonderfully dark crime novel, City of Devils, is out this summer. Diana had done a Masters and PhD in Creative Writing and, while the skills she’d learned on the course were useful, the real strength she’d found was sharing her problems with her classmates. That support network had kept her going – thanks to them she’d finished two books, one of which had won the competition.

That’s when I realised I needed to go on an Arvon course. I’d first heard about them years ago and they sounded amazing – residential courses in stunning countryside locations. No internet, no contact with the outside world. Just you and a bunch of like-minded people, plus two established authors who would look at your work and give you individual feedback.

My course was at the Lumb Bank centre in gorgeous Yorkshire, and my tutors were Patrick Gale and Stella Duffy – two fabulous writers who turned out to be great teachers too. There were workshops on plot, character and a slightly toe curling one on sex scenes, which were all hugely helpful.

But best of all was the chance to sit around with a dozen or so other writers and ask questions like “Is my dialogue convincing?” or “I like my character too much to kill him off” without feeling like a pretentious fool. By the end of the week all of us – even those who hated the idea of speaking in public – had read some of our writing out to the others. The criticism wasn’t half as painful as our nerves beforehand!

For years I thought that to be a proper novelist you had to work in a secret garret for years and emerge with your Completed Work – perfectly formed and beautiful. But I know better now. Writing is a messy, emotional, playful, agonising business and, like most of the fun things in life, is best done with like-minded friends.

A letter from Commissioning Editor Me to Freelance Me

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Working on the move in Italy

Dear Andreina,

I hear that you’ve made the decision to go freelance. How very brave of you, considering that after over a decade of commissioning, you of all people should know how tricky the pitching process can be. So, before you forget what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a freelance pitch, here’s a few choice bits of advice sent with love from me to… well, me.

1: Know your target publication well. Email pitches to the general [email protected] address go straight into the slush pile. It only takes five minutes to call a magazine and ask who their Features Ed is, and they tend to be curiously impressed by journos who demonstrate the ability to find things out. Another plan – and this is especially daring – you could actually opt to buy the publication in question and read it to get an idea of what they really want.

2: There’s a strong chance nobody will get back to you. Remember how many people pitch per week? You’re one of them now. Bear in mind that radio silence does not mean you are useless. It just means your lucky recipient is stressed and busy, and that the Editor’s voice is screaming louder than yours. A follow up phone call or two won’t go amiss.

3: A follow up call or TWO. Not 20. Restraining orders do not look good on your LinkedIn profile.

4: Some publications do most of their features in house or have a stable of loyal favourites who get all the easy commissions. You’ll need to do something truly unique to impress this lot – like a real life story that blows them away or a memoir only you can share.

5: Glossy magazines don’t like depressing stories. Never have, never will. Even if they are shocking, truly important and need to be shared with the world. That’s what angry blogs are for.

6: Freelance rates have barely gone up in 10 years. You might want to give that Amazon-and-ASOS habit a rest for a while.

7: Remember the joy of freelancing – because it is joyful. One minute you’re interviewing a scary woman in the deep South about her collection of 200 firearms, the next you’re trying to get a celebrity to say something newsworthy during a ‘what’s in my fridge’ interview for the web. You’re up until 2am persuading a real life case study that she can trust you with her story – and then you write copy that makes your editor cry. You can wake up in the morning with a crazy idea in your head and sell it to just about anyone and your career will take you in unexpected directions. That’s why staffers secretly envy freelancers – don’t forget it!

Best of luck,

Andreina

Sometimes a girl’s gotta do…

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It was my last week in the Good Housekeeping office and I was busy juggling handovers, crossing off my to-do list and trying not to get emotional when a friend’s Facebook update caught my eye. It was a link to a media humour blog, and the headline was something like: Leaving A Staff Job To Go Freelance? You Must Be Crazy!! There was a long list of comments underneath, from smug staffers and hard-up freelancers alike who seemed to agree.

I couldn’t help wondering where all these critics had been when I’d handed my notice in three months before, and announced that I was moving from North London to the Dorset coast. Then it was all wow, that’s amazing and soo jealous! [smileyface smileyface]. Now here I was, walking away from a fantastic job at one of the biggest women’s magazine brands in the country to live by the seaside and take on a mix of freelance writing and consultancy work as well as writing my Great Novel. Maybe I really was certifiable.

But sometimes you just have to go with a gut feeling. I’ve been a Features Director/Features Editor for over 10 years now, on national magazines ranging from that’s life! to Easy Living, which is about as broad an experience you can get. I’ve written for car mags, financial newspapers and tabloids, and I’ve had adventures in web and social networking which have shown me the sheer variety of media work out there, and that I can do more than print journalism.

So it’s time to take a few risks, do a mixture of different things, and hopefully share what I’ve learned with other people I meet on the way, whether it’s my exciting new PR contract, mentoring new journalists or writing crazy features and working with wonderful new people as well as contacts who’ve become friends. I may yet be dragged away by the men in white coats but if I am, it won’t be anything to do with my career decisions…